another day in the shadows of uncertainty

It's been a curious week in confidence and intentions.
I've been puzzled by the distinction between theatre studies and performance studies for some time, all the more-so given the explicitly interdisciplinary nature of Northwestern's theatre studies program. So I wrote to both programs at Northwestern asking for clarification, contextualizing the question with a brief description of my interests. Theatre studies responded by saying that she was passing my question on to the dept. head as it was beyond her ability to answer. Performance studies responded by saying I needed to narrow my field of inquiry considerably before an answer would be possible. I responded to perf. studies by restating the most pertinent aspects of my field of interest: the interaction between performer and audience. No response to that, but I'm trying not to let it bother me.

That said, I have a loosening grip on my confidence regarding the PhD apps. The day after the responses from NU a mentor wrote responding to my semi-annual update questing why I'm going after a PhD. given the saturated market and all the other questionable aspects of academia--"closed and venal" as my mentor put it.

I must admit that there's a degree of occupational default associated with the PhD scene. I know that I teach, that I create productions and that I am more fulfilled working with older students. Teaching in a community college would be fine--not that a PhD would hurt for securing employment there, but it's not strictly necessary. I don't want my work defined by research but I definitely want to do some research, mostly in a practical manner--productions as clinical examination based on critical analysis. If I had the financial wherewithal I'd wait tables part time and spend the rest making stuff and playing with theatre.

Add to that some nibbles on the acting front via the start-up talent agency I signed with this week (can't ride a horse so no Japanese mini-series for me) and the vocational future is both terrifying and full of possibilities and uncertainty.
For now I'll continue pushing forward on all fronts, one foot before the other (or maybe three feet in front of their mates) hoping these paths, together or one alone, will lead me to employment that is personally satisfying, sufficiently paid, allowing me to live in a community where I feel at home with a family of my own.
Is the fulfillment of that hope asking so much?

fleeting romance

Last night as I sat on my bedroom floor, checking the expiration dates on a pile of condoms, I found a pair of women's reading glasses sheltered in a cavity at the bottom of the pile of books I've been starting to read since I moved in. The last time I recall having a woman in my bedroom was about a year ago, and I don't remember her wearing glasses, but for a moment my life was full of romance again, imagining they were hers. Then the moment passed. I realized that the glasses belonged to my cat-sitter and I tossed out all but three of the condoms.