I've returned to my life from a retreat into my home turf, a room full of self-reflection, blind endeavor, and vulnerability. I've no clear plan, in this writing or the rest. This is all part of the new beginning.
Integrity--integration--is no longer my obsession. I face it with skepticism, or at least a question. Integrity can paralyze--not that action is always the solution, but the paralysis is untenable. To a degree the old life must return. My habits keep me from collapsing in a paralysis of disorganization and self-involvement. Still there are pieces I can remove even while allowing myself to fit back into certain grooves.
I will not let loneliness own me.
I will not wallow in the internet when I crave human connection.
I will set goals and achieve, instead of losing my life in procrastination. I will free my jaw and smile.
My shocking revelation of the day: I don't need to save the world anymore. Suddenly I'm old, but without the benefit or excuse of parenthood to justify my tarnished idealism. In fact I still have my ideals but I think I may have lost my hope and my belief that I can create the change. I can do the actions but I can't do it alone. The cat, though wonderful, will not provide what I need to be able to get up each day and face a hostile environment, to do my mission, to speak peace, acceptance, awareness, love and liberation in a place bound by rules, intolerance and proselytizing of those rules or a wasting into abuses.
Five years ago I'd have leapt at this job with zeal. Now I'm ready to move on, but the clock lags behind.
And love? I am free of love. I am free of judgement--or getting closer. I own my failure to fulfill my intentions. I own the barriers between me and my attempts at love. I don't want to have them always, but right now, with her, I feel fine having them. I might have gotten off the train many times before; I'm proud of her for making the stop and I have no regrets though I can see how I might have acted more kindly, with more compassion, more honesty.
Her last email was blameful and angry. I'm not responding. My time can be better spent.
The world is alive with possibility.
